First wait, first wonder, first loss

I have been on this roller coaster that you call IUI.. in some ways it is a miracle we got here and I have been blissfully happy that finally the coast had cleared and it appeared the stars had aligned as we finally had all the prerequisites... sperm, egg and a clear passage in! (Doesn't sound like much does it but when you have been on the long journey we have to source sperm well then that issue changes things.)

I wrote this following passage my first journey into IUI. I was incredibly ill and I was 100 percent sure I was pregnant due to my hormonal response... nausea until 1 every day, you name the symptom and I had it. (my partner D just did a good job not running for the hills really)

What I wasn't prepared for was the feelings of fragility and vulnerableness. I have been a social worker for 7 years now and I have seen a lot and worked in some pretty dark places. I am tough. But the minute I thought I was pregnant it was like a whole other fragile vulnerable little person took over my body. I found myself struggling with the stuff I do everyday. I found it hard to be open and receiving when so much of my work requires impartial compassion.

I wrote this passage in the final week of waiting during the "dreaded two week wait" when all you want to do is know for sure is that your dearest wish has fruitioned into "a positive result". 

I am not sure why I need to write to you now. Little baby, all I can say is that you have no idea how much I hope you are in there and how much I have read into each signal my body has been giving me the past two weeks. It’s extraordinarily difficult. Even those words don’t sum up the level of difficulty, fear, excitement and anticipation I feel with each cramp or twinge of my body. The overall desire I have to hope that you, that little circumphrence of cells are nestled snugly into my uterine wall.

It is overwhelming this experience, this sense of frailty and wonder I have never felt when thinking about my body or the things that it can do. It is an uneasy truce between me and my body at the moment, primarily for the reason that my wonderful body could possibly be carrying you. You, my longed for baby who for the past half a decade I have so dearly desired and wanted.

I am so superstitious at the moment as well, I have been a rational and pragmatic person, but the old wifely pagan part of me shrinks back in order to protect you. That’s the thing. I feel pregnant, I feel different, and I am afraid to believe my own mind because I want it so badly and rationally I know that it could also be my brain and body responding to my severe want. I know this.

There isn’t a part of me that isn’t preoccupied with you, not one single atom. Not one. There’s not one part of me that doesn’t wish with all my heart that this month is the one for me, this month is the one where you come into my womb and nestle in ready to grow. I hope this with every part of me. Every other area of my life, apart from my wife feels like a trivial annoyance, like a build up in the lead in to you. Please be here in me. Please. I need you. I need you now.

Unfortunately this cycle, I wasn't pregnant.